We had tap class tonight-I think we're getting pretty good. I am still a little apprehensive about our recital--but those of you who are going to be in town, mark your calendars! Saturday, May 19 at the Township Auditorium. Time is TBA still..we'll find out in about a month what program we are in--either the matinee or evening. We've also been offered free dinner afterwards ONLY if we stay in costume. Some meals are more expensive than others, that's for sure.
I actually talked to my dad last night for the first time in...I don't even know. We've always had an awkward and unusual relationship and I do hope and pray with all my might that he stays sober this time. I've read about it, heard about it and known other people who have gone into rehab, but it just feels different when it's your own father. I didn't know how to react when I first heard. I was happy that he actively accepted help, but at the same time I pitied him. I ask myself what can I do? What could I have done? And then I realize that he is his own person and makes his own choices and no matter how involved or not I am in his life--it is HIS life. He will do with it what he wills.
I am so angry at him, yet I know that being a Christian is about offering forgiveness. How do I completely forgive someone that hurt me to my very core? And not only forgive, but forget. Start with a clean slate. Isn't that how God is? When we confess our sins and we are absolved, God gives us a clean slate. How mighty is our God!
I feel right now that if I were to forgive him I would have to cut him out of my life permanently...so is that forgiveness? I could perhaps let go of my grievances and pain only if he promised to disappear. How Christian is that? How can I honor my father when he has ripped into my soul?
Fr. Thomas Keating in his book, Heart of the World, he says "Vulnerability means to be hurt over and over again without seeking to love less, but more."
I pray for strength and guidance. I pray that he may walk the straight path for the time being and hopefully forever. I pray for the compassion and sacred heart of Jesus. How far I have to go...