Thursday, May 17, 2007

Just One of Those Days...

...when everything seems to be moving in slow motion. This has been one of the longest mornings of my life. I don't really know why, I've been working, but time seems to be passing unbearably slow.
Normally I don't mind a lot of down time at work, but I have some anxieties extremely active within me today and time is my worst enemy. I wish that I could squash my little "pixies" of anxiety and make them go away forever. Maybe it is that easy for some people, definitely not me. I decided to try and be proactive about squashing the little pixies and went to one of my favorite websites for some quiet time: Sacred Space. The opening thoughts stayed with me and touched me.
In the Spiritual Exercises, St. Ignatius writes: "I will stand for the space of an Our Father, a step or two before the place where I am to meditate or contemplate, and with my mind raised on high, consider that God our Lord beholds me. Then I will make an act of reverence or humility." This is a beautiful and simple way of entering sacred space. I am not alone with my thoughts and feelings. God is here with me. So I can say to him, 'Here I am Lord.' Let me repeat this inwardly several times. Here I am Lord. Here I am, in this place, for this day. Here I am, Lord, as I am, just as I am, not as I feel I ought to be. No, here I am, just as I am, with all my real thoughts, real feelings, real worries and concerns, and also my deeper wishes and desires. I come before you Lord, just as I am.
I think that is one of my biggest flaws: trying to feel how I ought to be feeling--not truly as I am. My masquerade could sometimes be Oscar worthy...but for some reason, I feel that showing how I really feel is a sign of weakness. I know that is crazy and irrational and probably what is actually weak!
With everything that is going on, I am sure it's probably just fine to have moments of anxiety, worry, and fear but I find that I don't give into those feelings too often. Maybe today is one of those days where I can give in, feel what I feel, and be cleansed by the Holy Spirit.

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