Saturday, July 7, 2007

It's been a quiet and peaceful day so far for me. I opted out of the yoga this morning and took a nice long walk instead. Then promptly at 8:00 I had my massage and daily steam. I go back to the center in about one hour for my facial. Should be good. In the meantime I have been reading one of my favorite magazines, Body and Soul, out by the pool, wandering aimlessly around the beautiful grounds, eating way too much food and writing a bit. You might ask how this could in any way be interpreted as anything less than magical. Well, it is and it isn't.
Honestly, I have been very shaky today, emotionally. For those of you who know me well know that I have a huge wall that I have brilliantly installed around myself. I shield myself from any potential pain and keep others at a safe distance on the other side. I guess for me, if I admit I need help or admit that I am sick, then it's giving in--it's a failure. What I have been dealing with intensely over the past few days is how not-alone I really am in this world and how I have to break down my walls and let people inside.
Too much silence is my worst enemy. My head plays dirty tricks on me and I begin to believe the illusions and lose faith in myself. It's funny how traveling half way across the world has opened my eyes in a much deeper sense. At home, I think it's easier to put on the mask of "I'm doing alright" and push on in spite of what is really going on or how I really feel.
I don't know what God's plan is for me, none of us ever do, but I feel as if this trip is a preparation for something; Boston, a relationship, or maybe the end of something. I'm not sure what is in store and I know that I cannot dwell on what might or might not happen. I struggle with being present even in the midst of this serene and beautiful place. Maybe these "dark nights of the soul" are indications that my prayer life is suffering, or on the contrary, that it is flourishing. I've been talking to God a lot since my arrival in India, but now I think I need to LISTEN.
I plan to be pro-active and attempt this horrifying thing called 'asking for help.' But while I am here, situated on a lake and surrounded by God's own creation, I will be happy. I will pray. I will listen.

1 comment:

Gashwin said...

You know you're not alone. And trust me, I know how going across half the world can help you confront stuff one would rather deny or run away from.

Miss you tons! HUGS!